I Think I Can, I Think I Can

Wednesday morning was my first official day of being unemployed. I started the morning by going to have a facial and massage, then later that afternoon had a haircut. It was incredibly relaxing. Almost too much so. I found myself thinking too much, which only makes me more stressed about this move.

That night I cried. Cried so hard and swore we had made the wrong decision. I fell asleep and awoke to a new day. I had breakfast with a former student (Ana Davila) which last two hours. I decided at that point in time that life is too short, and my time in College Station was limited. I wanted to go to the office. So, I did just that. I drove down New Main, parked near the Pavilion, then climbed the stairs. It felt so right. I reached the doors that say "Staff Only" and walked right through them with no hesitation. Said my hellos, said my goodbyes and then left to get stuff done. We have been so busy getting ready for this move. We have many things we have had to get rid of and sale, and go through, etc. Paul has taken care of the majority of it, but it was time for me to step up. I start making calls to the variety of places to cancel services and close out accounts. I needed to get on board with the move.

Each night I go through the same feelings...crying, doubting, then I sleep and wake up to a new day. I try to focus on the adventures we will have and the new opportunities.

Friday morning I walked Ian to school. He was quite hesitant at first but on the walk he told me "it must be a special day"...that made me feel so good. For years I have wanted the opportunity to do things like that with my kids. I expect to have many more mornings to be similar to this experience.  We discussed the fact that after the move we would be making new friends and discovering new things. This seemed to make him excited. I had a glimpse of the identity that I need to assume with this move. I need to support my children and focus on them.

I feel like the little engine that could everyday saying "I think I can, I think I can." I know I can, but it has been difficult to accept that I won't be living in Texas much longer.

Change is hard. Getting out of your comfort zone is difficult. I have led students and staff through change and now I have an opportunity to lead my family through it.

The Storm

Overnight, it rained.

No, it stormed.

It was a perfect evening for sleeping and even when I did find myself awake stressing about what is to come, I realized that the soothing rain helped me drift back to sleep. Rain calms me. Storms comfort me.

Many may not realize that I have been facing a storm in the last two months. Most people think about how lucky we are that we are relocating to Australia. I think, yes, we are destined for great adventures. But living in College Station and working at Texas A&M has been an adventure as well. The storm that I have faced has provided a variety of emotions. Casting Crowns says:

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I am not complaining about my future, but rather reflecting on the fact that my heart is torn, just as the lyrics say. Torn between leaving my amazing job, my friends at work, my family in Texas and being in a new city, with new opportunities, and getting to know my Aussie family.

But after the storm comes calm. So, today during the actual storm I reflect on the "lasts" of the day and know that after today, this storm shall pass and I will be ready to face the next chapter.

You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm
-Mark Shultz (He Will Carry Me)

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me.
-Todd Agnew (Grace Like Rain)

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Identity. Such a simple word and yet I have taken advantage of it over the years. In two days I will feel as though the identity that I have worked so hard for will be gone. I have grown into my identity but it took me very long to really determine what it would be during my time at Texas A&M. I have had many, but the two most important ones have been that of my work identity and that of being a mother and wife.

Strength & Conditioning Coach's wife.
This was one that I became ten years ago this month (May 22). I have loved the family that came with this identity. I love being the supporter showing up to soccer games and swimming events and dragging the boys along. As of this past Friday, I am no longer this. Paul finished his job at the university and now (at least for the next two days) I am the bread winner and he is Mr. Mom (this doesn't mean he gets to celebrate Mother's Day however). I imagine this week he will be busy preparing the house for the big move and trying to wrap things up here. But I think we can both say that being part of the Strength & Conditioning family was a great experience and I know we will both miss it. I remember when Neetum came down after the last football game in the fall thinking how things would be different during the next football season. We have spent the years in Neetum before the games and have typically been lucky enough to see the guys warm up or come through and get excited before the game (depending on which coach it was determined what they did). No more Neetum...no more pregame high fives from Mike Evans. Oh well, he is off to Tampa Bay and we are off to Melbourne.

Associate Director, Assistant Director, Regents' Scholars Coordinator.
This identity is very hard to let go of. Everywhere I go I run into my students and I always feel like a little celebrity. Sometimes the identity comes with them thinking I am intimidating (please- I am 5'3" and don't even like to hurt bugs). Sometimes it meant I was their mediator or counselor helping them through whatever problem they were facing. Sometimes it meant I was able to celebrate with them. In two days this identity will be gone and I am not quite sure how I will honestly manage. For the first time ever this identity made me feel like I was good at something. Now I will be going to a place where they don't know what I am capable of, nor do they care I believe.

American/Texan.
There have been hints that I will have to give this identity up. Find a new flag, speak the language, dress the part. News for everyone on this one- I will never give this up. Learn to appreciate it or you won't be seeing much of me. I am and always will be an American and Texan first and foremost. Yes, I am stubborn. 

Friend, margarita drinker, salt lover and sometimes pre-game Neetum napper.
This is my tailgate identity. This weekend we had our farewell party with our tailgate family and it was a great time. I am sad that we won't be here to continue these relationships and see the kids all grow up together (and see how many of the girls Evan will kiss along the way. The score so far- Evan-2 Tailgate Girls- 0).

So, this loss of identity all comes down to one thing. Sometimes you really do want to go where everybody knows your name. No offense to where I will find myself in two weeks, but I will miss walking into places and seeing a sea of familiar faces who do know my name, know me, know my strengths, and appreciate it all.

Be glad there's one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name and they're always glad you came
You want to go where people know, people are all the same
You want to go where everybody knows your name. 

Dodge with a Blog Down Under

Captain's Log Star Date I Still Don't Know.

A trip. Let's discuss exactly what that means. When the Food Provider told me we were going on a trip, I thought he met to Petco. Let me just tell you that is not what happened.

I thought by riding in the front seat he and I would be discussing the finer things in life. I had never sat in the front seat of my voyager. It was exciting. There were no little humans; only me and the Food Provider.

Then, it all happened. I ended up with some random guy who, although he did give me lots of treats and he did know my name, he was not the Food Provider or the Baby Carrier. I shall call him the Transporter. The Transporter took me to a spaceship. It was shocking in size. I had no idea I would be placed on this ship and I had no clue where it would be taking me.

The ride on the great ship was not bad. Not too bumpy and I had a nice nap.

Then I arrived on the planet LAX and taken to a pink building filled with other dogs, a pool, playground. CLEARLY I had landed on the planet of the dogs. I saw one cute French poodle named Kitty Kardashian. I approached her and said "Excusez moi. Bonjour, ca va? Mon nom est Dodger. Voulez-vous aller à la piscine avec moi?" She looked at me, informed me that she did not speak French and walked away. That was not the last of my pursuits however. There was no way I was going to let Kitty ignore me. So, I followed, gave her a good sniff to which she quickly snapped at me. I decided the pursuit was not worth the effort and moved on to the pool alone. I made many friends there. Some came and left the planet quickly, but I enjoyed the day in the LAX sun.

That night, I was awoken from my slumber and placed on a new ship. This one was much larger and I had a new Transporter.

This trip was much longer, but I had plenty of sleep time. We had a few bumps along the way, but I imagine that was just traveling through space at a record amount of speed.

When I landed, I was on a new planet- Tullamarine. I am pretty certain that this is where Luke and Leia were from, but that is another story. There, I was given a bath, some food and had a good play upon arrival. I am currently still there and quite enjoying my stay. I am wondering however where the Food Provider, the Baby Carrier, Medium Human and Little Human are...and when will I see them again. I do miss them and hope they will come find me soon. I even miss their germs.

Until next time...Dodge out.

AWB : 081 - 38455034

AWB: 081  - 38455034. Such a random number. I am not sure that anyone really knows what this number is. Never fear, I am here to educate as I myself just learned what it is. It is a Qantas Airway Bill number. In other words, it's a tracking number for Qantas freight.

Freight. My Dodge is not freight. He is a member of our family. He is "Nana" to the boys. It's odd being in this house without him. I find myself asking him if he needs to go outside, only to realize he is not here. Evan asked last night for Dodger in his room and I had to remind him that Dodge was on his way to LAX. What Evan did not know was that Dodge is having a vacation from us. Seriously- he stayed at the Kennel Club LAX. He has probably had plenty of play time, a few treats, and maybe even a doggie massage. Clearly, he is hanging out with some movie star pups, getting his party on. But, we are still stuck at home without him.

Tonight Ian sketched out a picture of Dodger. Actually he sketched two. One for him and one for his brother. He titled both sketches "Dodger" and then placed each picture on their beds. He said that way Dodge would be with them at bedtime.

We miss our friend, but know that he will be waiting for us down under. He will have scouted out all the good paths and be ready for a big walk when we arrive. Tonight he flies from LA to Melbourne and I may just stay awake thinking about our boy. Not freight.

Dodge with a Blog

Captain's Log Star Date I don't know.

My humans are acting odd. I am not sure what is going on. I have a new bed. Why did I need a new bed? And they have been allowing the little humans to play in the new bed. Human germs. Icky.

The Baby Carrier keeps looking at me lovingly and saying "I am not sure how I can do this for three weeks" but the Food Provider just says "He will be fine." Who is this He they are referring to?

The Baby Carrier also asks me "Where is your passport?" What is this "passport" she refers to and why would I need it? I know that Jason DeRulo talks about his passport having lipstick stamps. That sounds good to me.

The Food Provider has made several surprise visits to my house during the day. I am both happy and shocked by this. Why do my humans come to visit me when it is their time off? They should be off enjoying their rest while they are not taking care of me. When the Food Provider comes home, he puts me in my voyager and we go to see my good friend and loyal advisor, Dr. Bond. There I receive lots of treats and rubs, and sometimes I am poked my a long needle. I can only assume this is my advisor giving me something to protect me from the human germs, especially those of the little humans. They are interesting creatures.

The littlest human keeps giving me hugs and saying "good boy." I demand that he refers to me as Captain, but he clearly does not understand.

The medium human tells the Baby Carrier that he is quite worried about my trip.

Wait. What?

Trip?

What is this "trip?"

Are we going to Lick Creek Park?

Are there bunnies there?

I will continue to keep my subjects apprised of the happenings in my home. Until then...

Dodge out.

Even if it Breaks Your Heart

48 hours post Regents' Scholars banquet.

48 hours of being drained.

48 hours of not being sure I am strong enough to walk away from Texas A&M.

The banquet on Tuesday night marked my 10th year with this office. And yet, these past 48 hours have been the hardest. Tuesday night resulted in tears. I vowed not to cry, and only shed a few tears when the current Regents' Scholars Organization President (and one my babysitters) spoke- Ana Davila shared words of wisdom with the fish as I sat and listened. I am wondering how it is she is already graduating? It seems like she only recently arrived...

I did not cry when I received an award that I created. The Dr. Robert M. Gates Inspiration Award is selected based on student nominations. Cleary this is one of the best awards I have received. I sat there wondering, as the speech was being read (a speech that I wrote several years ago when the award started)- if Dr. Gates had attended the event as I had hoped, and if we had awarded him the award, would that be weird?  Then I think of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy... I digress.

I did not cry when the first President of RSO spoke and shared his remarks. I remember looking around trying to figure out where ten years went. It seems just like yesterday that he was standing at the same podium welcoming the class of 2011 during their orientation. Now we are getting ready to welcome the class of 2018, and I won't be here to recruit the class of 2019. Again, my chain of thoughts spirals out of control.

I did however bawl like a baby when I had to say goodbye to Salma. Salma wondered into my office in the spring of 2005 as a senior in high school. She went on to become everything that I knew about the program. It became real when I hugged her and said goodbye, and it was too much for me to handle. I think my students were a bit worried about me, but that did not stop them from making me feel like a celebrity.

I am not sure if students realize what we as staff think of them. Sure, they arrive in August enthusiastic for the new year, and we complain about their driving skills and the fact that we can't go anywhere without dealing with the crowds. They leave at winter break and we celebrate as we enjoy the empty college town. Then May comes along, many of them graduate and move on. Many of them say "see you in the fall." My students aren't sure what to say to me. I have been here for quite awhile and they always find me in my office working away. When they arrive back on campus in the fall, my office will either be empty or have some new staff member in it. Another thought enters my mind, and all I can hear is Matthew McConaughey saying "I get older, they stay the same age. Alright, alright, alright."

So to the students, I am the one to say goodbye. And I have to say thank you to them. So many of them tell me thank you. But what they don't know is that they are the reason I come to my office everyday. Many days when I am down, I think of them and know that every application I receive, every scholarship I process is helping them achieve their educational goals.

My heart is breaking during this time. My heart breaks as I prepare to leave the home of the 12th Man. My heart breaks as I think that I will be living somewhere they might not appreciate "Howdy" to start the lecture. My heart breaks to leave my friends and family here. But I have to keep on dreaming and hoping for what lies ahead.  I encourage my students to keep on dreaming, even if it breaks your heart. I vow to do the same.