Even if it Breaks Your Heart

48 hours post Regents' Scholars banquet.

48 hours of being drained.

48 hours of not being sure I am strong enough to walk away from Texas A&M.

The banquet on Tuesday night marked my 10th year with this office. And yet, these past 48 hours have been the hardest. Tuesday night resulted in tears. I vowed not to cry, and only shed a few tears when the current Regents' Scholars Organization President (and one my babysitters) spoke- Ana Davila shared words of wisdom with the fish as I sat and listened. I am wondering how it is she is already graduating? It seems like she only recently arrived...

I did not cry when I received an award that I created. The Dr. Robert M. Gates Inspiration Award is selected based on student nominations. Cleary this is one of the best awards I have received. I sat there wondering, as the speech was being read (a speech that I wrote several years ago when the award started)- if Dr. Gates had attended the event as I had hoped, and if we had awarded him the award, would that be weird?  Then I think of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy... I digress.

I did not cry when the first President of RSO spoke and shared his remarks. I remember looking around trying to figure out where ten years went. It seems just like yesterday that he was standing at the same podium welcoming the class of 2011 during their orientation. Now we are getting ready to welcome the class of 2018, and I won't be here to recruit the class of 2019. Again, my chain of thoughts spirals out of control.

I did however bawl like a baby when I had to say goodbye to Salma. Salma wondered into my office in the spring of 2005 as a senior in high school. She went on to become everything that I knew about the program. It became real when I hugged her and said goodbye, and it was too much for me to handle. I think my students were a bit worried about me, but that did not stop them from making me feel like a celebrity.

I am not sure if students realize what we as staff think of them. Sure, they arrive in August enthusiastic for the new year, and we complain about their driving skills and the fact that we can't go anywhere without dealing with the crowds. They leave at winter break and we celebrate as we enjoy the empty college town. Then May comes along, many of them graduate and move on. Many of them say "see you in the fall." My students aren't sure what to say to me. I have been here for quite awhile and they always find me in my office working away. When they arrive back on campus in the fall, my office will either be empty or have some new staff member in it. Another thought enters my mind, and all I can hear is Matthew McConaughey saying "I get older, they stay the same age. Alright, alright, alright."

So to the students, I am the one to say goodbye. And I have to say thank you to them. So many of them tell me thank you. But what they don't know is that they are the reason I come to my office everyday. Many days when I am down, I think of them and know that every application I receive, every scholarship I process is helping them achieve their educational goals.

My heart is breaking during this time. My heart breaks as I prepare to leave the home of the 12th Man. My heart breaks as I think that I will be living somewhere they might not appreciate "Howdy" to start the lecture. My heart breaks to leave my friends and family here. But I have to keep on dreaming and hoping for what lies ahead.  I encourage my students to keep on dreaming, even if it breaks your heart. I vow to do the same.